During (Catholic) Lent, I’ve taken the time to record some of my thoughts, fears, and struggles that I wanted to express for a long time. I have not dated each thought, and for that I apologize. The following does contain strong language, so discretion is advised. I just wanted you to know what I’ve been through. So here I go:
I want to be close to God all the time. I don’t want these feelings of distance between me and God. If God is truly everywhere present, filling all things, within me and outside me, then I want that inner intimacy that I have been seeking for years. Something that tells me that he is HERE, at my side.
But my heart isn’t pure and my repentance is shitty.
Do you want me for me or do you want me for me to be the person you want me to be?
In real life (outside of here and the internet in general) I don’t think a lot of people in my generation share the same struggles as I do. The things that drive me into uncertainty and conflict are deemed as socially acceptable or even irrelevant among people of my age group.
In other words, I don’t even know if people in my generation even care about inner things.
People often tell me how great of a person I am. I wish I could have the same sentiment but I don’t want to fall into pride. An I trying to be humble for all the wrong reasons?