Confession continued / Dream
So I just took a short nap not too long after my last confession I posted. I had a dream.
I was trapped in a sludge pit struggling to get out. It was dark and slimy. Then I managed to get out and walk. All of a sudden, a cloud of the sludge appeared to me and it was labeled “guilt, shame” and it was filled with rainbow-like colors while I was walking towards something.
I pushed my right hand against the sludge and it went aside. I kept walking towards the destination then briefly paused shouting “LORD HAVE MERCY” and then I prostrated on the ground. 2 hands from behind rested on the back of my shoulders in comfort. I was slightly frightened at first but I remained there feeling the hands for just 2 seconds before I woke up with tears running down my eyes.
I woke up convinced that it was God comforting me at the end, laying His hands on my shoulders. I’m convinced that God is always looking out for me and my happiness. I learned that I had to do away with my shame and guilt and just accept His presence regardless of the circumstances.
Before I began typing this, I immediately got up from my bed, faced my Pantocrator icon of Christ, crossed myself saying “Glory be to God” for such a revelation.
Please keep me in your prayers if you can.
My heart isn’t as inclined to God as it was before. What I see in the deepest recesses of my heart are, to me, condemnable. I’m just afraid to admit them at the risk of judgment.
Woke up very sad this morning over what happened yesterday at work. Coming to the realization that I can’t unconditionally love and forgive everyone hurts me. I didn’t cross myself and prostrate. All I did was sit on the edge of my bed looking at my icons in silence. I spoke to God in my heavy heart saying “I’m tired of people hurting me. I don’t think I can really love everyone because of that. I don’t wish for hell over this matter but it may be inevitable.. But I just don’t want to be sad.”
Confession / My thoughts
What am I really looking for in God? What is inner peace, really? Am I just trying to do well to avoid hell? Will Paradise be open for me unconditionally? Can I truly be able to love others and myself?
I am tired of wasting time with things that will be of no benefit to me. I am weary over my habits and insecurities. I am embarrassed and burned out over my sins and my delaying of repentance.
Can someone on my level truly accept me for what I am and struggling to be? I am scared to go deep into my heart and find that everything I work for may have been for the wrong or illegitimate reasons. I know that there are things I am dwelling on that I shouldn’t be dwelling on. But it’s hard.
Too many people have been painted a picture of God that looks more like a jealous boyfriend in a drunken rage than the peaceful, inclusive Rabi who said “if you’re tired and burnt out, come hang with me- because my way is light and not burdensome”.
As a result, our concept of God internalizes into all sorts of other broken thinking, and leads us to see everything bad that happens in life as being a divine punishment from God. Over time, we actually start to believe that God hates us. The concept gets rooted so deep, that even when we mentally reject it, our “emotional memory” still uses it as a go-to hermeneutic for understanding life events.
I’ve been in relationships before where I couldn’t do anything right and was chronically reminded of my own shortcomings. Unfortunately, these situations don’t often cause us to become better- instead, we eventually start to believe that we’re just as bad as other people think we are. I can’t have this kind of relationship with God anymore. I hope that you can’t either.
Let’s repent together, and stop thinking that God hates us. Cause honestly, I don’t need anymore enemies (you should see my in-box). I need friends. Friends who will stick it out with me, no matter what. Friends who will receive me and just love me- for who I am, and nothing more. Let’s remind ourselves so often that we are fully and completely loved, that the emotional memory eventually switches from hate to love. I’m realizing that will take time, but I’m committed to the process… because I can’t bear another moment alone in a room with me and this angry god who hates everything about me.
Thankfully, I’m half way there- because my mind no longer believes in this god. My mind acknowledges that the real God, looks exactly like Jesus- and that his final words were words of forgiveness… not rejection. Instead of the god who hates me, I’m trying to embrace the God who would like to have a beer with me sometime. Let’s keep pressing on together. I know so many of you wrestle with this same thing- I hear it in your letters to me on a daily basis, and I’m committed to walking this journey with you. As together, we trade anger for an embrace of the divine. We trade hate for love, and acceptance instead of rejection. The god who hates us? Let’s be a circle of friends who quit believing in him, together.— Benjamin L. Corey
I want to be fully assured that God has my best interests in mind and that He will always be there for me. I want more of the faith that can draw me closer to Him in the hope of peace and happiness.
But I complain about my turbulent situations that go about me and I don’t think that I’m handling them with real patience. My head gets very cramped with disturbance and pressure.